40-degree evenings and soft winter light at dusk remind me of terror -  terror in opening the door to a lifeless body.  as sidewalks become carpeted with fallen leaves, wet winters remain a cruel reminder of the day i worked from the third floor loft my family's home without notice of my brother upright on the toilet for hours unknown. 

my brother is my sister's husband’s younger brother, who i grew alongside since we were only a grade apart at saint anthony catholic school in guam, before my sister and brother in law came to be. my brother would eventually move stateside from guam after high school just as i did where we would become woven as one family - helping with the kids, building our careers, and sharing social circles.  although i am the middle child between two sisters, we all considered him our brother. he was just a year younger than me, but i looked up to him AND he looked after me.  i consider myself the child of every group i assert myself into...playful, aloof, but willing to go where i am needed. 

this was the dynamic we had as he would often protect me as his very own.  he was the caretaker for my son as i juggled single parenthood through my early days in architecture. after my divorce he whisked me away across the world first class to london and seoul. he fed my many obsessions, such as the amazing race.  and when he traveled, he would always shower all his family and friends with omiyage. he did this while giggling and singing showtunes and uttering his signature phrases like “who said?!!” and “heloooo!”

although he is gone, he is ever present and lives in my mind constantly because i have the unique memory, what i consider i gift in hindsight,  of seeing him in his final state.  

it was a routine day where i worked from an isolated corner of my sister's house taking on back to back meetings and not moving from my post while he would be on his merry way to the airport to report to work as a airline agent by mid-afternoon.  on that day the house stirred sparingly- just me and my jindo mix dog butters and luke a 15-year old half blind shih tzu. my older sister took my parents to one of their many doctor's appointments so a quiet house felt a luxury to me. we made notice of his bedroom door ajar and the toilet room locked. we made notice his of car parked past his work start time.  panic set in when his coworkers frantically called my sister looking for him.  

not til 3pm did i finally get some air and walk the dog while a call from my sister comes in "have you seen jeffrey?, did you open the door?' i said no but we both knew without saying it loud what this could mean. i ended the call and took the six-minute walk hurriedly back to house, barely able to contain myself as pieces of the day played in my head like a reel. it all amounted to something very ominous - his car there while he was supposed to be at work; his bedroom light still on; and the locked door to the toilet room. the common restroom has a sink vestibule that my parents and nephew used while commenting the door to the toilet and bath was locked. my sister asked me to unlock it so my nephew could shower but he changed his mind. BUT I UNLOCKED IT AND NEVER OPENED IT, until the call. 

my mom was in the kitchen as i stormed in the house with panic.i was already on the verge of weeping 

me: "STAY HERE, SOMETHING IS WRONG!?".  

mom: "BAKIT?" 

i ran up the stairs through a blur of her questions and i slowly yet forcibly turned the knob and let the door glide to an acute15-degree opening . i saw just enough - a limp foot, his disfigured face slumped against the wall, his phone partially held. i felt color leave my body as i fumbled to call 911. they insisted i perform CPR.

 “NO, I’m scared I can’t, I know he’s been there awhile. 

Please just send someone” I begged.

By then I was squatting in the breezeway with the door wide open as neighbors who heard my terror were trying to comfort me.  

I can hear my mom on the phone 

"PATAY NA SI JEFFREY".  

one of the groups that i was able to connect with while visiting home is “Filipinos for Guahan”.  it was founded by six scholarly intellectuals who have made it their life’s work and continued purpose - to advocate for the shared interests of the native Chamorus using a uniquely-Filipino voice, inspiring reflections i have dwelled on all my life. 

i have a deep connection to Guahan even if native chamoru blood does not run through my veins.  my ancestry along with thousands of other Filipinos are an undeniable part of the fiber of Guahan’s history and will continue as such.  by examining empirical data and sharing stories, i have uncovered many remarkable commonalities: one shared the land that my grandfather built; another lives adjacent to our current primary residence; another’s dad worked in the same manufacturing plant as my dad did in the 70’s; others had uncles that enlisted in the military at the same time as my mom’s brothers; another person’s grandfather arrived the same year as my grandfather in 1949; another shared the same eagerness i once had to marry into a chamoru family.

these shared bonds are profound and distinct from the immigrant experience of Filipino Americans that came through the mainland.  as a non-minority group in the population, being Filipino from Guahan is complexly-intertwined and rich. the outsider and colonized mentality have become a means for fostering bonds as well as escalating tensions for many lifetimes.  as settlers alongside the natives, the greater good is at stake.

this is ever more personal for me as i navigate raising my Filipino son born from Guam and my Chamoru daughter born from California.  

in my ongoing written memoir i hope to do my ancestry justice by elaborating on these shared discoveries.

coming home to Guam for a prolonged stay of ten weeks would absolutely never have been anticipated if it weren’t for the pandemic. we are four months deep into this dystopian reality.  

i swore off ever coming back home, unless for a quick visit or layover.  this post is amidst an entirely different world - during a global pandemic of unfathomable proportions. 

it has been two years since leaving the island for a new beginning.  since then i have travelled many miles and my sense of home re-defined. no longer does home demand a physical presence on guam.

i have an endless list of projects constantly in the works.  this empire that i continue to build in my head is infinitely tied to and inspired by guam, even without immediate plans to return. i aim to expand my reach with remote capability so that i can travel home as i please. now that i am truly detached, the possibilities are all the more limitless.  sometimes being away from guam removes you from the figurative island.  we don’t see things until we get away.

it’ll be the last for awhile, hoping for real closure.

there are always multiple forces pulling me home.  this time, a friend needed company and help travelling home with her kids.  this time, i've been aching to finally get my divorce filed. this time, i just want to be breathe.  when you are leaving on the cusp of the cold, the warmth of home becomes all the more enticing. 

in February, Zamora and i visited Guam after leaving unexpectedly in august.  it felt familiar but i didn’t quite belong. it was a quick trip to pay our last repects to a close child of our family’s, who we sadly lost to leukemia.  i haven’t quite been able to get my clean slate beginning while so many things are in limbo.

Zamora is the new beginning that i am blessed with in life and if it’ll be just me and my kids for awhile, i’ll take it any day.


i've grown tired of the "this time, last year" reflection. i put the life-changing events that have transpired in the last year into perspective and accept that i am not in an unfavorable predicament. one thing i often fear is regret. it is so easy to say it out loud when deep down inside those haunting doubts make my stomach turn. regret and doubt do not bear the same consequences. regret i have to live with indefinitely and doubts eventually become displaced.  what i have preserved in all this? sanity, freedom, a newfound hope for happiness.

why should i reject change if it is inevitable.  there will be momentary pause while i wait for things to get sorted.  it's not that i've run out things to write about, it's that i choose to remain silent while on the cusp.
i thought i needed a short break when i last left the island but realized it was better for me to move on.  guam ended up being a static state. it was a place that drove my marriage to the ground and thrust me back to California.

my personal matters have now been shaken up once again: my marriage ended on a down-note and by bad decisions that were not my own and are not within my capacity to tolerate. it's cryptic, i know but i've now re-settled with my folks and my toddler in tow.

but amazingly, I finally can breathe. what happens next has yet to be written. 

i stumbled on a quandary that is quite the opposite of my usual off-island state-of-mind realm: when mainland folks share their perspectives with the rest of the universe beyond the Guam-bubble.

(on-island, currently-residing, and born and raised here) bloggers do not get the same exposure (if any at all) as off-island writers popping up on the more highly-traversed feeds that already have an established following and wider audience.  the immediate social media pool is far narrower and docile...and i hypothesize it is so because social media tendencies seem to gravitate toward those which require less of an attention span (such as snapchat, instagram, tumblr, vines... and all of which i have yet to partake in)....and are catering to a very young demographic.

recent multiple published articles have led me to reflect on the divisive impact of non-native (neither born or raised on Guam) writers and bloggers that have been posting their self-proclaimed expert opinions on the internet (links to follow!)...causing a ripple of defensive and ugly commentary in response.  my off-island/mainland worlds came colliding when, after sharing an article authored by a blogger that elicited a reaction,  resulted in a very friendly luncheon where we knowingly agreed to disagree.  (will have to elaborate later...)

the blogger's headlining gripe that incited strong opinion was her description of Guam as a "food desert", so isolated from resources that the sad selection of groceries left her uninspired and forever compromising her cooking.  as a newly-moved former mainlander, I  completely empathize with the frustration of having to scavenge through several stores to make a specific recipe.  even with local recipes, it is a challenge finding all the right ingredients in one place, but a desert would not be my first description in prophesizing to the entire universe through food52's feed.  there is no question that foodies have to put their work in to find that perfect balance, but making an outright declaration about the lack of ingredients combined ends up punishing the island's reputation as a result of her lazy reporting.

admittedly, i did not have a sole part in what lead to meeting the blogger in person. it just so happens that my friends are far more outspoken and influential than i am and i ultimately took on a passive stance as time progressed, mostly because i still feel like a transient having just moved here.   the meeting was congenial but we found no indication that our influence would change the blogger's personal view...redemption was not in sight.

we had some beloved guests visiting from the Bay Area. one of our friends, born and raised in Alaska, was as far removed from his element as he could be.  after several tired and obligatory jokes about eskimos and grizzly bears, we introduced him to our island paradise of picturesque shoreline, sparkling waters, and ridiculous skies.  i browsed many blog entries and guides that the internet offered and none i feel gave a full unadulterated guide around the entire island. i wanted to make it a true south-to-north-and-back-again adventure but we simply ran out of time. 

while it would be possible to start southward from the north, the more common route would be starting the drive from the more insular south through the village of Agat, which happens to be where my friends were staying.  the Cetti and Cella bay overlooks were our first stops and just half a mile past the village proper...both offering sweeping views of Sumay with Mount Lamlam as the opposing back drop.  there was a recent editorial published purporting that a development should be considered for the area.  the audience was deeply offended and rightfully so.  it brought to my mind the leo palace/manengon hills development that was an instant massive failure. it was a ghost town for more than a decade before signs of life eventually appeared.  to this day, the development as a community never fully thrived.  the hotel and golf course sustain that area while single family villas and tree-lined parks remain underutilized. i still consider it one of my favorite getaways on island. it is too bad we didn't have time to stop there on our around-the-island drive.

our second stop was a veteran memorial that looked onto the valley opposite the shoreline. i was amazed at the pristine and dense jungles plunging below where towering coconut trees crowded seemingly unchartered paths.  there are countless memorials and war relics dotting the roadways that i would have never discovered on my own.
we next stopped at umatac's (humatak) rugged coastline and fort soledad uphill from it. it is the scene where i speak of my very best mythological "fiesta" table: the crispiest-ever roasted wild boar, fresh manahak kelaguen, and dagu titiyas that i had many years ago can never be rightfully relived.  the umatac shores look frozen in time and belong in picture book- the concave shoreline, the fort up above, quaint buildings, and patches of green just steps away from the water are always picture-perfect no matter what the conditions are.  a man selling coconuts from a pop-up tent was conveniently stationed where the road turned.  the historical fort sits above the village shores, where an iconic sentry sits.  the fort was restored in recent years and there are tables and a park to take a break in, reminding me that a picnic meal would have been perfect right about then.  fort soledad was also famously featured in the pit stop during an episode of my most favorite show in the universe, the amazing race.  below we could also see the village preparing for heritage week festivities. it used to just be "discovery day" to commemorate Magellan's discovery of guam. in 2014, it was recently renamed to "guam history and Chamorro heritage day", kick starting the entire month as "mes chamoru"


Malesso pier was just another 2-3 miles up the road and is the southern-most tip of the island.  another seaside stop, it is also where ferry boats to cocos island .  cocos island is in the distance and i've been trying to visit that place for more than a decade.  we take photos on the very small stretch of pier and start to strategize our meal plan. there is an obvious lack of concessions and i start to google map our way to McKrauts in Maloloj...knowing fully that it is day 1 of my detox and i can't have any of it :(
before Maloloj we have to stop at the Inarajan Pools.  many of my childhood weekends were spent here.  my dad would dive off the planks that are in ruin now.  there used to be a stair that would lead you out to a very rough and rocky overlook....it now requires a challenging trek over rocks and the ever-ebbing ocean, a nonexistent bridge, and a very questionable ladder propped up on uneven terrain. we opted to wade in the safe trickling waters closest to the edge as tourists easily obliged.
at this point McKraut's in Maloloj was a requirement to stave off our hunger. even when this joint used to be just a small shack or umbrella stand, i've never had the chance to eat there. this day would still not be my day to indulge in their famed bratwurst wrapped in basil bread.  McKraut's is also the site of oktoberfest and an upcoming bier fest next week....i guess beer and sausage is their thing. our stop here ate up most of our time clock.  the service was attentive yet slow.  nobody complained when they got their food because it was freshly prepared and well portioned.
we made it just in time for Talafofo falls.  we opted not to pay the $12 fee to enter the park.  it boasts a gondola ride to the bottom of the river and a short trek to Yokoi's hideout.  because we were a mere 3 minutes from closing, we were happy to just admire the view from the entry shelter in the company of sleeping dogs.
sadly there was no time for Manengon Hills, Asan Park, Latte of Freedom, Ritidian Point, or Two Lover's point...so we made an executive decision to beeline to Tumon Bay to catch the sunset. our friends were elated to be greeted by warm waters at their feet.

moving is the proverbial reset button. and now here i am post-move and still in reset mode. as i've declared in my manifesto...moving home after being off-island for many years is an opportunity to make guam a better place.  it sounds so cheesy but i am seeing this movement everywhere and i am excited to be a part of this climate change.


sure, i've been chasing dreams for as long as i can remember. i left home to become an architect. after countless hours of interning and architecture school and a handful of firms...my latest and longest stint was a senior position at a top silicon valley firm after 5 years (which got bought-out by one of the nations top firms in my last year).  we went corporate and i started to feel like it would be impossible for me to make big moves.  then i reflected further...realizing that my biggest career move to date was when i first moved to guam in 2007.  i was home for vacation during a time i often describe as when i was "lost in heartbreak". it was then that opportunity grabbed me by the balls and thrusted me back here for another 3 years and i had the best run of my career: the most exposure and design i've done in such a short span while working with a very tight team of 4.  after that faded, California beckoned again.  between then and returning here i went from 1 kid to 6 kids and the call from guam became eternally imminent.


so about that damn detox
so these dreams are no longer just dreams, they are, in fact, goals. and in the mix of architecture, design, building houses, writing, starting businesses, travelling...somehow wellness sneaked its way in. i am at the tail end of a detox that went from vegan/raw/3-day cleanse/raw/vegan in a span of 10 days.  i dropped 10 mothereffin pounds and worked out the most i ever had in my life (18 miles and 5 classes).  it invigorated me!! and as advertised, it would also detoxify my mental state, thus inspiring me to write this.  i cheated when i had that bite of cake and put crackers in my mouth but the detox still delivered. i only lasted 7-days on the strict detox and now feel like i should have documented this journey in detail (i tried on instagram but the food started to look uninspiring).  these last 3-days i kept my days raw but started introducing small amounts of proteins and carbs at night. i did what i promised myself i wouldn't do because i swore i didn't care about the numbers...and watched the scale.  i learned that raw diet is not a trend but its a success. even before cleansing, my weight had dropped and belly had shrunk just by eating raw food! i enjoyed channeling my inner beyonce and will continue to find a lifestyle that will keep they bey in me.

i am that person who can't seem to get away from doing nothing.  going through my list of this year's to-do's, i am realizing that it really is an uphill battle.  but since its the new year after all and i am now past the new-years-resolution-phase and moving info full-swing-February, it can only be helpful to write them somewhere and remain accountable in the future.  for example this time last year, i wrote about big moves and writing projects.  and uhm, i did happen to move my ass back to Guam.  as for the writing, that was stalled by the move. duh. but hey it's already been a great start after kicking the new year off with a fabulous wedding and adventures in manila. so it's been back to reality these past few weeks adjusting from manila-mode.  there really is such a thing: acclimating back to the slow pace and letting go of all the visual stimulation i left behind in the Philippines takes quite some time.  might i also mention that i planned Zamora's THIRD birthday party in a span of 4 days (with the help of my squad of course).  it was a peppa pig tea party, something that she asked for many months ago and i just ran with it. it was small and we ended up having it at my place.  so far since moving into our tamuning condo, i've hosted some sort of themed gathering every month, by accident. now on to that list of projects:

• project detox: i have now become a bandwagon detoxer.  four other people i know signed up and i don't know a thing about it, other than you possible anal leakage and many days spent hungry.
• project property brothers: okay so if its me and other people, we are not really brothers.  there is some potential to design a house and it would be in my aesthetic and from scratch...but this will take time possibly years.  nonetheless, i'm flexing my architect muscles.
• project husband: surprisingly i've guided my husband into starting his own business and he's stayed afloat and managed to stay trending upward.  i'm holding my breath but he really has come a long way and found a way to run from the slave operations of a kitchen.
• project food: as an architect and chef, my husband and i area always tied to food. there are food projects in store.  i have at least 4 big ideas and 2 more for my husband alone.  i'd be happy to accomplish at least 1 in the next 6 months.
• project writing: this is one is a lot scaled back.  getting published is a ways away: i still need to find an editor, agent, and publisher.  this time i'm teaming up with some of my favorite people to contribute to a blog. and there may be more than one blog i will be contributing to.
• project business: for months now i've been dabbling in making a business from DIY crafts.  over Christmas, i sold ornaments and cards...just pretty things.  my girlfriends each have their own brands that they have been nourishing for many months now and i've yet to catch my wave.  but in spite of that, we are banding together to launch a shared business around these very things we are becoming obsessed with.  this past few weeks we've been scoping locations and it will be another 3-6 months before this project comes to fruition.
• project fitness: an awesome thing about working for the feds is free gym membership.  i've been attending barre regularly (i wish we had more barre options!) and i've been somewhat running/walking regularly. so now to do this frequently.  i really really really miss bar method classes and wish i could recreate them somehow. 
• project girlfriends: my homegirls from high school are really hard to pin down.  but they've somehow agreed to a monthly rotating themed gathering that requires we each prepare a dish.  this is a huge start....now about happy hour. not everyone is into the happy hour crowd but i'm committing to at least once a week for cocktails.
• project aussie: i need to find 45,000 miles to get me to Sydney in march. nuff said.
• project architect: finally get licensed. (Oh dear god, let this year be it!)

and that's it. makes me feel busy.

that's right, it's been nearly 6 months and it still does not feel permanent: i live here now. i have not yet become cognitively aware of old and new
driving on marine corps drive along the water's edge on a daily basis with that serene view of agana bay still has not convinced me that those cumbersome freeway commutes are long gone. contrary to those cliches, there are no daily happy hours or excessively lazy days on the beach. i am however, basking in the sunshine-filled scenery from this side of the planet during this time of year.  while countless friends flood my feed with their frigid tales and masterful selfies of them all decked out in layers of outerwear, i have not an ounce of dissolution.  it may even be the absence of seasons that makes me feel frozen in time and space.  returning to guam is a hop on a time machine: periodic parental obligations, childhood acquaintances, and high school best friends are pleasant reminders that make me accept my forever state.
there is not an ounce of urgency or demise even when times seem challenged. i welcome the privilege of not being able to complain about that for awhile, living the guam state of mind.

the guam state: the state of being on island, FOR GOOD.

that is me now.  i am the endless middle child between my two sisters.  and now the middle section of our threesome will be here holding the fort without them.  they both propelled me off the island and back home.  my big sis whom i followed to california remains there and just two weeks ago the baby sister of mine stepped foot off this island and now we have resorted to seeing each other only on google-hangouts.

my baby sister stayed just long enough for a night of shenanigans (albeit multiple attempts), beach bumming, and repetitive eating followed by complaining.

yes that's right COMPLAINING. i have now found myself to be THAT person...complaining about the lackluster, thoughtless, deceptive things we would encounter on a daily basis.  false advertising and overhyped marketing simply getting away with LIES, LIES, LIES.

BUT this is Guam so i pretty much kept my mouth shut...we stay humbled. we only talk crap to each other. and we grin and bear it. i've come to realize...i can't just sit there and proliferate my hater-ing.  i have to actually get off my ass and do something.  otherwise, i just become like another one of those people....oblivious to these lies and accepting the shortcomings as status quo.

this is my manifesto. or a tidbit of it.  my entire life and everything i've done and am about to do is a declaration of all things that draw me to and pull me away from this god-awful paradise.  we leave Guam for that opportunity...to chase that vision...to stimulate growth...and then we come back home to GIVE it all back: to repay our parents, to care for the land and homes we grew up in, to send our kids to the same schools we once went, and to build an empire of hope so that we can make it even better.



stay tuned.

after many (five, to be exact) years of hypothetical "what-if?" planning and meticulous, ridiculous obsessing over the thought of: "would that time ever come?" my return to guam has finally arrived.

indeed it has.

it took a timely job offer, the coaxing of my parents, and the unrelenting will of my family of 8 to re-migrate back to our homeland. i'm almost to a point of breathe-again status. after a dozen or so sunsets, being on island again has mostly gifted me with less driving, less work-related angst, and much peace-of-mind about my decision. when i moved here in my twenties, i was still on shaky ground and finding myself. in 2007, the convenient job offer was second to the fact that i was running from heartbreak. this time the job offer is the much-needed impetus overdue for our large family. the eldest of my bunch is thriving on his own in san diego at his second year of college; my inherited four-some is beyond the needy age and primed to enjoy their school-age years in the home wherst they came from; my two-year old baby girl is well ahead of her age and ready for preschool; my husband far progressed in his culinary career and due for another transition; and me...still heavily inspired by everything having to do with home.

five years have passed since leaving Guam and i feel i've only moved inches on my distance tracker. not exactly sure what is a measure of progress. it's all relative when away from home...looking onto Guam is like watching a looped film. thirty six feels just like thirty one.