Anthony Bourdain, perverse gastronomical genius extrodinaire announced a new series, the Layover. Although it sounds like it could be the next Bradley Cooper/Ed Helms over-hyped hit, it really is an abridged dose of the mastermind himself.

Of course it immediately clicked in my head that Guam would be THE EXPEMPLARY destination to posture up as a layover destination. just ask those monstrous commercial airliners who are using GUM as a mere stopping point en route to somewhere apparently more important: what else the little floating land mass could be used for? just ask the armed forces who have been using Guam as their most expensive gas station for many years since the invention of modern warfare: GUAM = LAYOVER.

But then my stomach started turning and i lost hours of sleep trying to concoct the perfect list of must-do/eat/try back home for AB. how is this even possible with the infinitely-changing, disappearing, and re-appearing restaurants that saturate the local market? there are places that i love that no longer exist and places that exist that couldn't garner my recommendation due to my year-long absence. maybe i was just afraid that i would disappoint the powers that be who make the magic happen. and then it led me to eventually accept that i didn't need a layover, i might as well just create this fictitious circumstance on my own. i have just given myself the permission to dream up of a 24-48 hour layover on my beloved home. without trying any of the new-on-the-scenies or any of those mimicries- sticking with truly OOG (only on guam), where or where will i go?

gratuitiously, i arrive at 1am and am not surprised that i have to awaken a cabby on the desolate curb. i see families unloading from pick-up trucks and am envious that i was unsuccessful in my attempts to waken any familiar face. i go to ben n' yan's in harmon because i know that i can avoid the drunk crowd yet get a home-cooked meal. i'll have kare-kare (oxtail peanut stew), sizzling hot bbq on a stick with a side of garlic rice for instantaneous regression to childhood.

it's a good thing it is a saturday night and i can still grab a drink before the newly-mandated last call for alcohol. where i know its reliable and non-assuming will still be off the strip. this time i want more of a pulse without running into a young crowd. i'm full and would rather drink up. the tower of london was once a staple when was all but a red masonry building on camp watkins road. the roadway is a well-traveled thoroughfare to get the more bustling tumon. it is a great retreat and the kitsch-laden establishment is a testament to its longevity. in 2008, it relocated to a more commercial area and the shuffle board alone is reason enough to flock there. there are loyal regulars, a reliable price list, and probably the most extensive and consistent selection of beers. the original wood finishes, furniture, and jukeboxes from the first location was relocated here to authenticate its dive bar status. the owner is probably around and i get away with hanging out after hours.

the perfect time to make my way for a perfect breakfast would be at the flea market in dededo. sure the sun's not out and crowds have barely piled in, but i'll want the fresh arroz caldo to soothe my liquored stomach and even indulge in a handful of banana lumpia and apigigi'. all this is just a warmup because the local breakfast has yet to be had.

it's amazing that i make my way about 11 miles south to east hagatna, where the iconic linda's has withstood the test of time. it's got that dingy divey diner feel but all the meals that come from here are made to order so you'll never get jipped on shortcuts. if it's raining, i'd want their chicken kadu. but it's hot out, and i may as well roll with the heat. the menu is extensive and the popular eats are corned beef fried rice and the onion or pepper steak. but i am in fact on Guam and so a local breakfast should be a truly local - chorizo fried rice, dried beef, scrambled eggs - complete with a side of burnt hash browns and greasy pancakes that melt in my mouth.

now that i've lost all sense of time, i should probably finally succumb to the expected that is Tumon, if only for the quiet beaches. strangely enough, the beaches on guam are not as populated as one would expect and this can only garner appreciation when restful solace is much needed. i'd have to prepare for the standard guam staple of a meal to tote with me to complement my beachside siesta - red rice and bbq. there are two joints that are hugely popular in tumon for a mid-day feast: jamiacan grill and proa. both are not the traditional local marinade, but are memorable diversions. the proa version being more true to form and the jamaican version being a somewhat fusion type. dirty rice would be the way to go with a must-have side of fish kelaguen.

the crowning piece to this layover is that i would make it possible for a homecooked meal with all the accoutrements of a chamorro feast. this would be the proper goodbye before ending the layover. i'll even be so presumptuous to assume that there will be a fresh pig slain (true to bourdain form) and further overindulgences in local fare will be had.

in between all this, there is also room made for countless pitchers of lemon soju at unnamed korean restaurant at the east/west business ctr, fresh-cut tuna from the fiesherman's co-op, and a live band serenading beneath the open sky with toes in warm sand.
and since we're stretching reality there will be time made for the green door a.k.a. katsu house stealthy and elusive offering of one-of-a-kind drool-worthy japanese indulgences of perfectly-breaded katsu, garlic-crusted sizzling rib eye, pulled chicken salad, and tofu steak better than actual steak. AND truly tasty indian food from the Curry Kebab, where their cafeteria steel plates are loaded with the perfect amounts of naan and curry. It would all end too soon...

all this is not real, because if it were i'd have all my friends to share all this awesomeness with. one day soon...i'll return and put an end to my extended hypnotic state of mahalang.

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